The Week’s Top 5

1. Transformers 2 opens and the world files in to watch it and wonder not whether robots can fly at light speed through space defying the laws of the time / space continuum, or how a ute can expand to five times it’s size and file missiles from it’s nostrils before returning to the same ute without even so much as the radio station programming being out of whack, or even if the pyramids are really the wisest place to conduct a giant robot smack down, but rather how a tool like Shia LaBaouf could possibly score Megan Fox. Are they serious? Michael Bay, some things we simply cannot buy.

2. Amidst the chaos that’s followed the Iranian “election’ there are many losers but perhaps only one winner. Twitter. Is the world serious? The social networking site has received as least as much media coverage from fascinated neo-media commentators as has the election itself. If you’re thinking of launching you’re own new business idea, maybe wait for a tragedy. Timing, after all, is everything.

3. Jordan aka Katie Price aka Mrs. Peter Andrea aka Life Support for Watermelons Wrapped in Flesh aka Mother of Junior and Princess Tiaamii has been grieving for her marriage breakdown in the only way she knows how: partying in no clothes in Ibiza. Said Price “whatever happens, I plan on getting completely f**cked”. Indeed. Meanwhile, estranged hubby Peter is left to cry himself to sleep at night alone. Is he serious? Does he really think that a page 3 model with size Double E cans worth millions of dollars is ever gunna find another bloke, let alone one as good as him?

4. Wanna continue partying with pretty European girls right into your 70s but can’t afford the Viagra? Perhaps you could consider running for the Prime Ministership of Italy. Silvio Berlusconi – is this guy serious? This time Italian tax dollars have been found to be enjoying investment in a wild night in which Berlesconi and 20 young girls – including 2 ‘lesbian call girls’ – partied through the night in what was described as the PM’s personal harem quote unquote. He’s 72. You know, I wanna hate this guy, but….

5. Pakistan’s fun loving Taliban have declared war on the country’s entertainment, bombing cinemas, threating television stations and even publicly beheading an actress in a busy intersection. Are these guys serious? Then again, with the presence on our own televisions of Rove, Sam Newman and Packed to the Rafters, are we inciting the rise of our own Taliban style extremists? And, if so, pass me a turban and a kalishnakov STAT.

BELOW: Berlusconi boasts an alarming groin swell following a night of partying

The Taliban Can

When you’re a guy, a spiritual guy, nothing says you are a devoted and pious member of a certain religion than getting together with a few of your mates, pinning a teenage girl to the dirt, and administering a good old fashioned beating. If there is a better way to display the mercies and love of the Superior Being, I don’t know what it is.

Seems the Taliban share this view. If you’re a fan of the the late 9th Century, aka The Northern Frontier Areas of Pakistan, then you’ll already have seen footage of a 17 year old girl being held to the ground while she receives 34 judicious lashes in a flogging that was decreed by whoever it is that’s calling them self the voice of the Almighty this week. Sure, it’s not everyone’s idea of a Saturday, but since the cinemas, sporting facilities and music clubs have all been closed, there is precious little to do other than sit back take in the agonising screams of children.

This girl’s crime was that she refused to marry a tribal leader of the Swat Valley. Now before we rush to judgment we should bear in mind that this may well only be the final in a string of heinous offences this girl may have committed. Driving, learning, talking to a male, working, not working, being a rape victim; she could well be guilty of any or all of these unspeakable acts not permitted under Taliban law. The fact is, we just don’t know. Surely, better to be whipped than sorry.

Meanwhile, the impact on the North Western Frontier’s economy is already feeling the backlash of this scene being uploaded onto YouTube. Germain Greer has canceled a speaking tour in spite of solid ticket sales; Madonna has put on ice the building of her kaballa centre; and even Miley Cyrus is reportedly re-considering using the Hindu Kush as a backdrop for her next photographic assignment with Annie Lebowitz. Are they serious?

Whatever happens in regards to celebrity backlash, it’s nice to know that somewhere in the world is immune from the awful trappings of modernity and Western corruption.

(Taliban video of girl being beaten not included.)