1. Nutri Grain: Iron Man Food. Are the serious? In the past week i have devoured a box and half of this rubbish and all i have to show for it is a bruised upper mouth and a couple of squelchy love hands. Where are guns, Nutri Grain – I don’t understand!
2. Present giving: I remember when buying gifts for people was restricted to 21sts and was a slab you drank before you got to the party. These days there is nothing that does not apparently warrant getting out the pretty paper and the sticky tape. Birthday. Present. Engagement. Present. Wedding. Present. Bucks Day. Present. Xmas. Present. Threesome. Present. First time a friend kills someone. Present. Visit friend in gaol. Present. Are people serious? Where does it end?? And for me – who has never wedded, engaged, and would only kill someone to get a threesome – it’s getting expensive. I don’t understand any of it.
3. Matthew McConaughey: The Shirtless One just met George W Bush in some televised hook up. Are they serious? I don’t understand who this says more about but my estimations of Dubya have plummeted even further.
4. Sexy Outfits: OK. Nurses. I kinda get it, even though most of my experiences with them involve being ordered to wait is having blood extracted or a tube inserted. French maids: Makes sense, assuming their French. But there are some outfits available that I don’t understand.
- Witches (reversible good/bad): “So good i felt like flying monkeys were coming out of my arse”
- Straight jackets (sexy but crazy, according to the brochure): How is orgasm increased? Shock therapy? Now, boys, you can pretend you’re with one of those super models that are filling up the insane asylums.
- Alice in Wonderland outfit: um….drink this?
- Taxi driver – rip it off, vomit on it, bash it, and run
Anyway, the upshot is i look ridiculous in all of them. Although i did make $45 in an airport ride wearing the taxi one.
5. Any Scandinavian language. Have you heard those freaks speak? Are they serious?
And one more – I saw a picture of Michael Jackson’s kids at Neverland at a wedding ceremony. They were marrying each other. I don’t understand. What’s all that about? Are they serious?
BELOW: Sexy taxi drivers take to the streets to demand to be taken sexily
1. The Australian Army holds a sombre press conference to announce that a soldier has been killed in Afghanistan. Are they serious? Here’s the thing about war: soldiers get killed. I know, I’ve seen the movies. Apocalypse Now, G.I. Jane, Stripes, all of them. You know what they all have in common. That’s right – Bill Murray. No wait, I meant death. So if you reckon that you need to hold a press conference every time a single soldier is taken down in the war you’re in, maybe you’re not really that interested in being in the war in the first place.
2. The National Ballet of Chine gets ready to tour Australia and who do you suppose is the major sponsor? Correct – Rio Tinto. Are they serious? Is this why Rio Executive Stern Hu is being held by the Chinese government? To secure ballet sponsorship?? Is there nothing the Chinese won’t do??!!
3. Master Chef finale. Are they serious? You couldn’t have had more people crying their eyes out on that set had you lobbed a can of tear gas in there. Anyway, any bloke thinking he might have a crack at Poh while she’s in a vulnerable state should check out the way celebrity chef Curtis rolls. “Poh, I would like to invite you to spend a week with me in L.A. filming my new show.” Is he serious? Diabolical!
4. Forty years since man walked on the moon. Are they serious? Like we’re meant to believe that a space ship made of glad wrap, tin foil and a shopping trolley flew millions of miles through space with a computer boasting less power than a calculator and delivered it’s passengers safely to the lunar surface where they partook in a jaunty game of golf using putters? Get real! Everyone knows that you use a 9 iron on the moon!!
5. In one of the various pearls of wisdom listed under ‘MM Facts’ on his website, celebrity torso and awesome blog traffic driver Matthew McConaughey has stated “My parents have confirmed I was an accident.” Is he serious? Coz that still doesn’t excuse them. Boom! Shaka Laka!!
Mahmoud Ahmedinejad – short man issues, cheap suits, suspect hygiene, steals elections, believes he is on earth to usher in the arrival of the 12th ‘missing’ imam of Shi’ite Islam. Good stuff. Is he serious?
Kim Jong-il – maintains policies that cause wide spread starvation, overlord of vast array of labour camps, kidnaps japanese movie stars, wears platform shoes and polyester suits (which, it must be admitted, are on the way back in), has nuclear missiles. His glasses i rate, but is he serious?
Senator Steven Fielding of the Family First Party – cheap suits, looks like every substitute teacher anyone ever threw paper at, creepy religious vibe going on, recently convinced climate change is a myth. This is where your tax dollars are going. Are they serious?
Matthew McConaughey – Is this bloke serious? Does he even own a single shirt? Whatever.
Douchebags – Are they serious? What are they even pointing at? “Look, a cyborg.” No, that’s someone holding a camera. “I want YOU to spray tan my back.” Possible. “Pull my finger…” Then what – your hair gets higher? Douchebags.