The Week’s Top 5

1. Transformers 2 opens and the world files in to watch it and wonder not whether robots can fly at light speed through space defying the laws of the time / space continuum, or how a ute can expand to five times it’s size and file missiles from it’s nostrils before returning to the same ute without even so much as the radio station programming being out of whack, or even if the pyramids are really the wisest place to conduct a giant robot smack down, but rather how a tool like Shia LaBaouf could possibly score Megan Fox. Are they serious? Michael Bay, some things we simply cannot buy.

2. Amidst the chaos that’s followed the Iranian “election’ there are many losers but perhaps only one winner. Twitter. Is the world serious? The social networking site has received as least as much media coverage from fascinated neo-media commentators as has the election itself. If you’re thinking of launching you’re own new business idea, maybe wait for a tragedy. Timing, after all, is everything.

3. Jordan aka Katie Price aka Mrs. Peter Andrea aka Life Support for Watermelons Wrapped in Flesh aka Mother of Junior and Princess Tiaamii has been grieving for her marriage breakdown in the only way she knows how: partying in no clothes in Ibiza. Said Price “whatever happens, I plan on getting completely f**cked”. Indeed. Meanwhile, estranged hubby Peter is left to cry himself to sleep at night alone. Is he serious? Does he really think that a page 3 model with size Double E cans worth millions of dollars is ever gunna find another bloke, let alone one as good as him?

4. Wanna continue partying with pretty European girls right into your 70s but can’t afford the Viagra? Perhaps you could consider running for the Prime Ministership of Italy. Silvio Berlusconi – is this guy serious? This time Italian tax dollars have been found to be enjoying investment in a wild night in which Berlesconi and 20 young girls – including 2 ‘lesbian call girls’ – partied through the night in what was described as the PM’s personal harem quote unquote. He’s 72. You know, I wanna hate this guy, but….

5. Pakistan’s fun loving Taliban have declared war on the country’s entertainment, bombing cinemas, threating television stations and even publicly beheading an actress in a busy intersection. Are these guys serious? Then again, with the presence on our own televisions of Rove, Sam Newman and Packed to the Rafters, are we inciting the rise of our own Taliban style extremists? And, if so, pass me a turban and a kalishnakov STAT.

BELOW: Berlusconi boasts an alarming groin swell following a night of partying

Barry Hall of Horrors

Is Barry Hall serious? What’s wrong with this lunatic? Half a million dollars a year for running around with your mates for the last 15 years too much hard work for him? Gotta say that if there were my life I’d be skipping down the street throwing rose petals over my shoulder, not punching heads in. Not sure what Barry thinks he’s doing. He appears to be somewhat confused as to whether he is meant to be a footballer or an Ultimate Fighter. maybe we can look forward to the day when, having made the transition from grassed oval to caged octagon, he’s suspended for bringing a footy into the ring.

Following yesterday’s latest face pounding in Adelaide Hall said: “I guess it’s probably no secret that I do get frustrated. If things don’t go your way, if you take a bit more of a light-hearted view, it might help you out a little bit”. I don’t know what that means, but it sure sounds like fightin’ words.

Anyway Barry, you keep on going down swinging. You’re probably doing more than most to hold football interest in Sydney. Here are some highlights:

Bye Bye Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson dead at 50. Are they serious? Now there’s a life that had the best and worst of everything. Best music, worst facial reconstruction. Best dancing, worst theme park. Best one glove performance, worst excuse for pale skin. Best selling album ever, worst remake of an album to help pay for unpaid taxes ever. Best extended film clip ever, worst decision on hooking up with child actors ever. Best singing voice ever, worst speaking voice ever.

And on it goes. History will judge him as many things but American tragedy is probably going to be the over riding theme. See ya Jacko.

Are these blokes serious?

Mahmoud Ahmedinejad – short man issues, cheap suits, suspect hygiene, steals elections, believes he is on earth to usher in the arrival of the 12th ‘missing’ imam of Shi’ite Islam. Good stuff. Is he serious?

Kim Jong-il – maintains policies that cause wide spread starvation, overlord of vast array of labour camps, kidnaps japanese movie stars, wears platform shoes and polyester suits (which, it must be admitted, are on the way back in), has nuclear missiles. His glasses i rate, but is he serious?

Senator Steven Fielding of the Family First Party – cheap suits, looks like every substitute teacher anyone ever threw paper at, creepy religious vibe going on, recently convinced climate change is a myth. This is where your tax dollars are going. Are they serious?

Matthew McConaughey – Is this bloke serious? Does he even own a single shirt? Whatever.

h

Douchebags – Are they serious? What are they even pointing at? “Look, a cyborg.” No, that’s someone holding a camera. “I want YOU to spray tan my back.” Possible. “Pull my finger…” Then what – your hair gets higher? Douchebags.

The University Quacks

Oxford University. There’s a name that resonates. Conjours up images of vast lecture halls and grand theatres of study; rolling green grounds and rowing teams slicing through the waters; rich intellectual reflection and deep mathematical inquiry. And duck research. Excuse you? Yes, duck research. Oxford University – that Hogwarts of the real world – has just completed a three year study on whether ducks prefer standing under sprinklers than floating on a pond. That’s three years, ducks, sprinklers and a research grant. Did I mention it cost $500,000?

Look, I like ducks. They’re great. The webbed feet, the quacking thing, the way the plummet from the sky when you pick them off with your rifle. And don’t even get me started on roasting the with plum sauce. In short, they’re a good bird. But are they serious at Oxford University? These are the kinds of research topics that are giving universities a bad name. Them and the rich kids. What else might we need to know about? Whether gold fish like the bubble makers designed to look like treasure chests? Or prefer the diver in the old fashioned helmet? Maybe whether or not a baboon spending a year eating nothing but donuts would put on weight and, if so, whether he could work on radio opposite Jackie O? Its all interesting stuff.

And what exactly was going to be done with this research? Presumably Elmer Fudd type hunters can do away with the camo gear and the duck calls in favour of setting up a few well placed spinning Nylexes around the backyard. (“Ok duck, come see my spwinkwer”) (That was a Fudd voice, folks). Anyway, the upshot of this research determined that ducks like water, regardless of which of the two delivery methods is employed. One wonders how we, not to mention the ducks, have survived so long without having this confirmed.

Stars in her Eyes. And on her face.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I got 56 of you tattooed on my face and upset my pa. So it goes for 18 year old Kimberly Vlaminck from Belgium. Since returning home to her parents with her new look Vlaminck has maintained that she only requested three small stars to be tattooed on to her face but the tattooist failed to understand and gave her 56. How could this happen? the world asks. Because she fell asleep, only to wake up hours later looking like the Milky Way. is she serious?

Of course she isn’t! Nobody sleeps through the agonizing pain of facial tattoos. Stick your head in any of the more notorious Maori gang headquarters in New Zealand and ask them. Actually no, don’t do that. Go ask Donatella Versace if she falls asleep in the chair every time she has a new face drawn on. Actually, with a bloodstream aswirl with pharmaceuticals and gin it’s probably not that easy to stay awake.

Anyway, little Kimberly has admitted she was, in fact, lying, and that she had instructed the tattooist to make her look like the top left hand corner of the US flag after all. Well, there’s a revelation. The whole story was apparently made up to appease dear old dad who, not understanding that the fashion of facial graffiti is ‘in’ right now, hit the roof. Up till that point he had believed her story. Was he serious? I guess he also maintains that she has never smoked a cigarette, had a drink, or partaken in feces based sexual activity (it’s a well documented Belgian thing. if you don’t believe it grab a Lonely Planet. Or is it Windmill Loving Poo Eaters I’m thinking of? One of the two.).

Well Papa, while you’re busy hitting the roof it might be worth considering that your chain-smoking booze-skulling 56-star-face-ridiculous-looking little girl might just want some attention from her daddy. (Again, to really understand the meaning of that refer to Lonely Planet. Or is it My Belgium, My Daughter, My Dungeon? Whatever). The point is that this girl now has the story of her insecurities written all of her face.

The Week’s Top 5

1. Another day at the races. another Bottle of Sauce. Are they serious? The only difference between horse jump racing and bull fighting is that nobody pretends the bull is enjoying it. (Note: ‘bottle of sauce ‘- you see what i did there…?)

2. Kim Jong-Il gets ready to launch a missile over Japan and in the direction of Hawaii. Is this lunatic serious? Perhaps. If you want to kill as many japanese as possible bi-passing Tokyo in favour of Waikiki probably ain’t so stupid. Anyway, get ready for some seriously barreling swell

3. In Canberra something happened with Kevin Rudd, a hire car, an email, some name calling, a midget I think, possible a gorilla costume, and almost certainly a box of danish pastries, and managed to steal a hole lotta national front page action as though it were the most important thing to ever occur in Australia. Meanwhile someone brought their child in and subsequently had their child ejected from the Senate, during which time Barnaby Joyce and Steve Fielding are running around denying climate change. Are these clowns serious? Say what you live about Silvio Berlesconni; at least his scandals involve hot women.

4. Ever tried finding Pez re-fill pellets? Not easy is it? Seems you have to buy a whole new dispenser just to get the sweets. Are the serious? No wonder those happy heads are rolling back in laughter.

5. Keith Urban is to perform at Rod Laver Arena. That’s Rod Laver Arena; the big one. Holds about 14,000. This is Keith Urban we’re talking about. The guy with the hair straightener and the ranga wife. Is this serious? I get 3 people a week reading this blog (yes, I am allowed to count myself twice if I’m coming in from different email addresses) and Keith Urban gets 14,000 to his gig. How big do you have to get before you get a Pez dispenser with your head on it? At least that would make what comes out of his mouth stomachable.

BELOW: One of these three is a very fast runner, enjoys a good daily hairbrush, and is extremely well hung. The other two are Keith Urban and a horse.

Flip Top Head Case

Last night I had dream from which I woke up screaming. In this nightmare I was surrounded by empty Pez dispensers, each with the head of someone I have in my past wronged, their skulls flipping back in horrifying unison demanding to be re-stocked with Pez pellets. Like a demonic plague of Pez zombies they kept coming and with each cartridge filled another empty one appeared, screaming, demanding.

This horror story follows a week in which, making my irregular trip to the shops to buy office treats for myself and my fellow workmates (because unflinching generosity is a key element of who I am), I picked up for someone a Pez dispenser and one magazine of replacement pellets. At the time of presentation I was looked at askance – not because Pez possess their own inherent comedic value (which they do) (unless you’re suffering Pez zombie nightmares) but because it was deemed a ridiculous choice of treat.

Well, a mere week later the recipient, whose dispenser is now empty, is harassing me hourly for replacement pellets. Is she serious? Of course she is. And do you know why? Because Pez is the perfect product. Forget heroin. Don’t worry about ciggies. At Pez they have created not only a deliciously refreshing sweet, but they have provided it in a mechanism that is fun when full and, when empty, stands as a totem to the fact that the pellets need replacing. So alluring is the sight of the flipped head (Tweety Bird, Mickey Mouse, Donatella Versace, etc) that to have an empty one in your possession is simply unbearable.

Well, you don’t stand at the summit of the brutal lolly world for 40 years by not offering something the people want. Meanwhile, my role as a pellet pusher has just begun.

Belly Ache

Another day another prominent gang land identity gunned down by another prominent gang land identity in another suburban street before several more horrified witnesses. This time it’s another Moran. This time it involves another ‘matriach’. And this time again, it would appear, all the perpetrators will be rounded up and thrown in prison. Neat.

It may surprise you to learn this, but I am no criminal genius. I once stole a giant Persian rug from a pub and that ended in disaster. Gave up a life of crime right then and there. Wasn’t for me. Well, yes, I once move around 500 kilo of heroin through Thailand but that was really just helping out a mate. Otherwise, hopeless as a crime. It seems to me however that if the most watched TV program in the history of the planet was based squarely on the way my mates committed crimes then either got arrested or killed and had, in the process, become the biggest Melbourne identities since Shannon Noll, then I would probably think twice about having someone shot, stashing the weapons in my home, and personally dumping the get away car as did Judy Moran. But that’s just me.

Are they serious? Maybe these people thought they were actually on TV. Maybe they figure there is some sort of royalty due when it hits out screens – or building sites – in the next 12 months. Channel 9 was already labeling this as another “Underbelly” crime, neatly preparing the script for the next series it will produce.

Or maybe, given that we’ve been treating these people like heroes and celebrities for the past year, feted those that played them with Logies, they actually thought they had impunity to perform another murder. Dunno. I didn’t really get into the show myself.

The Week’s Top 5

1. Another “Melbourne Underworld Figure” gunned down. Are they serious? Channel 9 will go to any lengths to generate a storyline for another serious.

2. “Landslide” win in Iran for Ahmadinejad declared 15 minutes after polls closed. Are they serious? Who would have believed that a society under the rule of unelected, ancient fanatical religious clerics would struggle to hold fair elections?

3. Cher’s daughter declares she wants to be a man and books in for the operation. Is she serious? Well, if her mum can become a fish net body suit wearing landfill for botox then I guess her little girl can become a man. It probably costs less.

4. North Korea declares any detaining of their ships will be regarded as an act of war. Are we serious? Can we bomb these lunatics by any chance? Or is there a chance these guys can actually fight back?

5. Chris Judd get his nose splattered across his face and last i heard Rebecca Twigley was still with him. Is she serious? Is it actually possible she isn’t just in this thing for his looks?