Tag Archives: US army

The Idiot’s Guide to Growing Mushrooms


Like everyone, I forget stuff. Where I left my keys; doing my tax; what that repeated cost for internet downloads is on my credit card bills. Lots of stuff. It’s the way it is with me. And maybe that’s why I don’t work for the United States National Nuclear Security Administration. That and the fact that it sounds like there’d be a lot of paperwork. And that you probably can’t hang back on a Friday night and get hammered with the crew. And that pressing CNTL ALT DELETE might accidentally wipe Venezuela off the map (note: Venezuela has had more Miss Universe winners than any other nation on Earth so if you wanna fire something out of a cannon at them, don’t make it a warhead. Make it me). And myriad other reasons including, though with no greater emphasis than the other reasons, that I am not, in fact, a trained nuclear scientist.

But that’s me. Fortunately America’s vast nuclear arsenal is overseen by smarter people. Unless, that is, you need to perform an urgent and critical upgrade of your Trident nuclear missile stock that has been in storage since the late 80s. Yeah, if that’s your job, you got a problem. Seems this little task – a clerical matter, really – has had to be delayed since nobody at the NNSA can remember how to make the component of the weapon that needs rejuvenating. All those who knew have moved on and, since the whole thing was so top secret, nobody wrote anything down. Ah….are they serious?

This again proves that the world will end  neither with a bang nor a whimper but with some idiot forgetting to close the door behind him. Right now there is a whole heap of massively destructive nuclear weapons sitting in silos in the US that need a tune up and nobody knows where the mechanic is. It’s kind of like owning a classic Citroen – great fun to have, but if something goes wrong, who the hell are you gunna call?

Let me guess – there are no women working at this joint, right? Just you boys? Thought so. Women don’t have the stomach for weapons of mass destruction. Much more inclined towards organising, efficient record keeping, maintaining order, and generally ensuring things like, say, detailing how the weapons actually work, are done properly.

Seems there is only one logical solution to this predicament and that’s getting them all onto a B52 bomber, heading for the Middle East, and wait till some raggedy tribe parked their camels in the way of a pipeline. Seems to work ok for getting rid of other weapons. Meanwhile, there’s this thing we’ve had for some time that generally makes things easier. It’s called “writing”. Give it a go. Might come in handy.


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