Tag Archives: executive bonuses

Climbing the Mt. Marketing

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Here’s a marketing term that came my way the other day: Dynamic Hill Climbing Optimizing Algorithm. What, in the name of god, does that mean? This is a tool that i am supposed to employ. To help clients. To make their marketing more accountable. Or better functioning. Or more expensive. Or more confusing. Or less confusing. Or easier on the calves. Or to introduce the assistance of Fuzzy Wuzzy Angels at the flick of a switch. Or a Sherpa or two. Or was it a Smurf? You ever get them mixed up?  Here’s a tip – one is a small but helpful race of people that live in an ancient land high in the clouds and who assist travelers and climbers when they run into strife. The other one is Sherpas. And all this before anyone even got around to mentioning the most Dynamic Hill of them all – Benny! You ever get Benny Hill and Sherpas confused? Me too. Here’s a helpful tip – one ran a crude and/or titillating TV program for many years that opened with large breasts, closed with large breasts and was filled in the middle with an ancient skinless cat-like man being hit on the head with his own hat to funny music. The other one is Benny Hill. Anyway, the important thing is, all that got optimized eventually. That was just before we got back to wanting to drive our pens through our own eyeballs. There was some other stuff too i forgot. It’s hard to remember when your’re mid-way up a dynamic hill climb and Accounts Receivable has already written out the invoice. Unless, of course, you optimize it. Algorithmically. As it were. Are they serious?

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View from the Top

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American International Group – aka AIG – aka American Feeding Trough of the Obscenely Wealthy – has been amongst the largest beneficiaries of the US Government’s bail out plan. But even in this time of global economic catastrophe the scale of the package thrown AIG’s way is staggering. $168 billion, to be precise. That’s BILLION. With a B. Taxpayers money all of it. Taxpayers who, thanks to rich guys in suits driving American institutions like AIG off a cliff, have lost their jobs and their retirement funds.

So if you’re one of these said rich guys and have recently slacked your thirst by drinking so deeply from the well of capitalism that it has dried, cracked and shattered, what do you do when the government hands you the biggest novelty cheque anyone has every written to be put towards trying to prop up the company whose complete destruction you have so ably overseen? Well, if you work for AIG you hand out performance bonuses to you and your mates valued at around $AUS168 million.

Um…are they serious?

Yes, you know they are. The top executive bonus this week was over $6 million, with at least a half dozen more pocketing over $3 million. Try to imagine the feeling of being a US taxpayer who has no employment left and just the smouldering ashes of their once healthy looking retirement fund having to foot the bill for those responsible for it all whilst they still lavish themselves with obscene bonus fees. Lucky there ain’t a whole lot of guns in the Home of the Free, isn’t it?

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