When Life Doesn’t Suck

What I don’t know about women could fill a library. Honestly. Three monkeys drunk on paint thinners with a single broken typewriter between them could bang out in two minutes better pick up lines than I’ve ever had. Not to mention having a better idea of what to do once successful. Fortunately, I ain’t alone. Seems I am joined by every other non-douchebag on the planet.

Anyway, I have known all this for some time, yet I still find myself stunned and confused with the ubiquity of one Rob Pattinson. Are people serious? Has there been a magazine published in the past 6 months without this clown’s noodle on the front cover? Is there an event he isn’t photographed at? Every time i open an envelope i expect to see him standing next to me in a tuxedo. And what is the go with the co-star/girlfriend/vampiress? I can’t keep up – is she his girlfriend? Is she not? Are they fighting? Is it a secret? Is it spin? What the hell is going on here??

This bloke just won with a clenched fist in the cosmic paper, rock, scissors competition. I get that. But does this change the fact that he is, in fact, pretty ugly? Am I the only one who sees that he rose to fame on the back of being cast as a vampire because he genuinely looks like an undead ghoul? I’ve had enough of the foppish lank fringe and the creepy “sleepy” eyes. It’s just not a head I wanna see 40 times a week.

But, like I say, what i understand about females could be written with a crayon on the back of a toothbrush. And with Twilight films due to be released for about as long as the average vampire lives, chances are this head that looks like a slowly melting candle will be staring out at me from magazine covers for some time yet.

And here’s another thing while I’m thinking so clear-headedly: did you know that Carmen Electra is getting married to Rob Patterson? I just found this out. Is she serious?? What’s the go over there – you get a tattoo on your neck and learn two guitar chords and suddenly you’ve got more Bay Watch honeys hanging around you thasn the public change rooms at Malibu?? I guess you just have to be ugly enough.

CSI – Cucumber Swiping Investigation

Police have admitted they are baffled by the theft of over $10,000 worth of cucumbers in Adelaide. On 11 seperate occasion, large quantities of the vegetables have been swiped, the latest being 50 bags worth from a glasshouse in Virginia (yes, the cucumbers were removed from Virginia – don’t go there).

Are there theives serious? Yes, and it turns out that if you’re looking for a particular contriband to traffic, you can do a lot worse that cucmbers. Say the coppers “The issue with the cucumber is how do you or I tell how owns a particular cucmber?” There’s a story line for Law & Order right there. Whether it’s a mad salad maker, a well organised and highly motivated tea, of goats, or simply the man drought that is to blame, one thing is for sure – the cucmber black market is about to get seriously flooded.

Two Feet Under the Sea

So a second leg has been floating in the waters off the Mornington Peninsula. Police say they are baffled. Are they serious? Hey Coppers, they generally come do come in pairs!

Unwinding at Club Dead

Here’s a good news story from the very home of good news stories: North Korea. The hermit kingdom has oiled the hinges of neurosis and paranoia and opened the gates to increased tourism. This is mostly for South Koreans but is potentially available to anyone. Just a short trot across the most heavily fortified quarter mile on the planet and, assuming you are someone who can walk with your eyes forward, refrain from photo taking, suppress any corrupt idea you might have about eating anything other than tree bark, and generally shut the hell up, you’re in the beautiful backyard of the raving mad Dear Leader.

Are they serious? Well, there are certain appealing aspects. The sun drenched gulags; the long contemplative strolls across the mine fields; the soothing sounds of 24/7 single channel propaganda TV network. These are all good things. And for those looking to come back from their break with a brand new figure to show off to their friends? Hard to beat the slow and agonizingly painful enjoyment of acute malnutrition. Seriously, with every bowl of gruel another kilo is shed.

Anyway, all this stuff is in the brochure. But beyond the hunger and the beatings and intetrnet restrictions and the big hats on the generals (now, I have not launched a formal study on this but it seems to me that the insanity of repressive regimes is directly proportial to the size of the hats. N Korea – big hats. Stalinist Russia – big hats. Idi Amin’s Uganda – big hats. The Village People – big hats. Haven’t worked out quite where the sombrero fits in yet….) there is the general ambience that only a terrified population and architecture that by-passed baroque and went straight to beige box gives a city.

But before you go thinking that this might not be a family location, wait. Got a daughter? If there’s one thing Kim Jong-Il likes, its virgins. He likes cognac too. And big hats. But mainly it’s the virgins. Get thinking about this people; every day you delay is another day that daughter of yours is closer to being sullied

OK – i hear you. It’s easy to pick on these guys. There is one thing that the North do that is worthy of note, and something is generally unmissable. It’s the all-in dance offs. They are as good as it gets and are a rebuke to anyone who believes that pointing a rifle at someone and saying dance doesn’t work in this day and age. Gen Y, take note! Enjoy….

5 Things I Don’t Understand

1. Nutri Grain: Iron Man Food. Are the serious? In the past week i have devoured a box and half of this rubbish and all i have to show for it is a bruised upper mouth and a couple of squelchy love hands. Where are guns, Nutri Grain – I don’t understand!

2. Present giving: I remember when buying gifts for people was restricted to 21sts and was a slab you drank before you got to the party. These days there is nothing that does not apparently warrant getting out the pretty paper and the sticky tape. Birthday. Present. Engagement. Present. Wedding. Present. Bucks Day. Present. Xmas. Present. Threesome. Present. First time a friend kills someone. Present. Visit friend in gaol. Present. Are people serious? Where does it end?? And for me – who has never wedded, engaged, and would only kill someone to get a threesome – it’s getting expensive. I don’t understand any of it.

3. Matthew McConaughey: The Shirtless One just met George W Bush in some televised hook up. Are they serious? I don’t understand who this says more about but my estimations of Dubya have plummeted even further.

4. Sexy Outfits: OK. Nurses. I kinda get it, even though most of my experiences with them involve being ordered to wait is having blood extracted or a tube inserted. French maids: Makes sense, assuming their French. But there are some outfits available that I don’t understand.

• Witches (reversible good/bad): “So good i felt like flying monkeys were coming out of my arse”
• Straight jackets (sexy but crazy, according to the brochure): How is orgasm increased? Shock therapy? Now, boys, you can pretend you’re with one of those super models that are filling up the insane asylums.
• Alice in Wonderland outfit: um….drink this?
• Taxi driver – rip it off, vomit on it, bash it, and run

Anyway, the upshot is i look ridiculous in all of them. Although i did make $45 in an airport ride wearing the taxi one.

5. Any Scandinavian language. Have you heard those freaks speak? Are they serious?

And one more – I saw a picture of Michael Jackson’s kids at Neverland at a wedding ceremony. They were marrying each other. I don’t understand. What’s all that about? Are they serious?

BELOW: Sexy taxi drivers take to the streets to demand to be taken sexily

The Week’s Top 5

Kyle Sandilands, along with his on-air partner, Jackie O, have been nominated for 3 ACRA (Annual Commercial Radio Awards). Are they serious? Maybe next year they should shoot for an Oscar and actually rape someone in the studio.

Sam the Koala, the marsupial hero of Victoria’s February bushfires who was seen around the world accepting a drink from a fire fighter amidst the smoldering ruins of the bushland, has died. But before you be believing that his demise was due to the trauma he suffered in the inferno, stop right the there. Sam died of chlamydia. Is Sam serious? I guess even celebrity koalas need to be careful about which groupies they hook up with. (Yeah, that’s right: I went there)

Those concerned with the saving of water are encouraging Australians to take their morning whizz in the shower rather than in the toilet bowl. Are they serious? Kinda like encouraging us to breath oxygen.

In an outer commuter suburb of London this week the local council has hired from the military a robotic aerial drone in order to spy on a couple and their child suspected of faking their address in order to be zoned within the boundary of a good school. Are they serious? What were they going to do if they found they had breached the zone? Carpet bomb their home? Perhaps a trip to Cairo for questions via extraordinary rendition? A bit of water dunking?? Way to win hearts and minds in the lawless outer suburbs.

Fair chance Buddy’s first words when he looked in the mirror this morning were “are you serious?” – and if you don’t know why, watch the video below….

Less Than Words

If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time trying to communicate directly with God. Text messages, morse code, prayer, goat sacrifice, standing on the roof and shouting at the sky; all of these are regulars. Yet the amount of hairs on my skull would suggest he ain’t getting the message. Yes, it could be a language thing – my Aramaic is rusty at best. But more likely i am using the wrong methods.

Who knew that the best way both to communicate with the big guy (or big woman. or, possibly, giant frog) is through mime. When you think about it it’s obvious, isn’t it?

Enter K&K Mime, the doyens of the competitive world of Christian mime. Are they serious? Well, if white face paint, black skivvies and wild hand gesticulations are indicators of doing God’s good work then yes, they’re serious. Liberated from the confusion of a sytax muddled since the fall of the Tower of Babel, twins K&K Mime have developed a powerful and awe inspiring language of their own, completely in tune with the various messages of God.

Redemption. Mime. Ascent of Christ. Mime. Accepting three cloven hoofed farm animals in exchange for your 14 year old daughter who will now be betrothed to the local obelisk carver. Mime. It’s all in there.

The clip below shows a sample of the mesmerizing and eerily mystic work these modern shamans perform, but to really set the scene it’s critical to first visit their new website. Please, pump up the volume….

K&K Mime

 

Now you’re ready for the show. Behold, K&K Mime

Bird is the Word

Godwin Grech. Is he serious? Can’t say I know too much about ‘ute-gate’ – something about an email, a car, some politicians, a salami factory and some a human cannonball – and can’t say I much care either. But say what you like about Grech; has there ever been a man who looks more like a bird? Seriously? Look at him.Yes, there’s Birdman. But outside of the superhero set Grech is king of the roost.

The Week’s Top 5

1. Austereo, Kyle Sandilands. Jacky O. Mother of child that was strapped to a lie detector and quizzed about her sex life by these ‘adults’. Take your pick. More importantly still, all those who are responsible for listening to the dysfunctional child wrapped in the body of a fat man with a beard that is Sandliands and who have kept him in a job for the past ten years. Are you all serious? With his radio program currently suspended and his gig on Aussie Idol now over, this clown might finally be getting his comeuppance.

2. Warwick Capper announces he is going to become a male gigolo. Surprised? Are you serious? I guess his global speaking tour will have to be put on hold. So too his gig as guest physicist at the Large Hadron Collider. This will be the first time he’s been payed to sit on people’s heads since he played for the Swans. Seems the only hope he has of making this work is if he doesn’t talk during sex.

3. Carmichael Hunt. World’s best spoonerism waiting to happen? Or world’s worst sporting investment already happening? Are they serious up there on the Gold Coast? If the AFL are looking for blokes that have zero talent at kicking a ball and little comprehension about where to run once the siren calls to start the game, I’ll be at my desk all week by the phone.

4. In China the population is being asked to remain calm after a second person there has died of bubonic plague. Calm, eh? Are they serious? How about carpet bomb the village in which this is unfolding and build a 20 foot think cement car park over it and them carpet bomb that again? Alternatively open a radio station there and tell Sandliands a life time supply of dim sims are his if he takes a job there. And then carpet bomb it.

5. Scientists have cloned the world’s first extinct animal – a mountain goat that left the planet in around 2000. Unfortunately the creature only survived for a few hours before it’s lungs collapsed. Yes, a short existence of agonizing pain, but we’re trying to get mammoths back on the park here so suck it the hell up. There are of course the usual arguments about the money being spent on bringing back extinct animals rather than trying to save the ones we have. Er…hello? Are people serious? Don’t these clowns see that the sooner the world’s organisms go extinct the quicker we can now bring them back? Without lungs, sure, but i want a hairy jumbo thing!!

Below: Kyle Sandilands. Career on the verge of extinction but prepared to consider cloning.