They say you should never meet your heroes because the effect is always disappointing. Good plan. Here’s something else you might wanna steer clear of – jumping on to YouTube and checking out whether your one time white middle aged martial arts hero is on there playing slide guitar in a blues band, invoking the vernacular of slavery, and generally acting like he is speaking for all black men within 100 cotton pickin miles of the mighty Mississippi. Because, if it’s Steven Segal you’re looking for, there is a horrifying chance that’s just what you’re gunna find.
Seems like only yesterday that Stevie was content to smash skulls, collapse lungs and generally unleash mayhem to the cheers of millions. We had some laughs, they were good times. That was before he started a campaign of aggressive lobbying to the Tibetan community to have him recognised as the reincarnation of a highly esteemed lama. (Research note: which long dead spiritual entity does Richard Gere have his eye on…?). But to be fair, you know, if Tibet wants some high profile support, it’s gotta give something back. That, even the Dalia Lama would agree, is karma.
Then came the energy drinks – Steven Segal’s Lightening Bolt. These are the world’s first drinks to contain Tibetan Goji berries. This is a fact. Assuming you discount any drink that any Tibetan may or may not have made with said berries across the last thousand years or so, it’s a fact. But ok S-Man, you’re an action hero, we can wear that. It makes sense.
But with the music, Steven, are you serious? Coz this is pretty bad stuff. Like, really bad. OK – try to imagine four guys lining up on the mats of the Music Dojo. One is Good Taste. Another is Talent. The other two are Shame and Racial Sensitivity. Now imagine Steve in the middle of them doing what comes best – BANG! WHAM! SMACK! All down, taken out in brutal and blood-curdling fashion by the new Mojo Priest.
That’s the good way to experience it. Here’s the other way: